Day 189 (A Hundred & Eighty-Nine) of 365 days

It was lovely to see you today. I haven’t seen you in such a long time. So much has happened since the last time we saw each other. You asked me how I was. I politely replied, “I’m fine” and forced a smile that I hoped would be believable. It must have worked. You smiled back and said, “I’m so glad to hear that. You look great.” But I’m not fine. I haven’t been fine for a very long time, and I wonder if I will ever know what “fine” actually feels like again.

Some days are good, some not so good. I’m doing my best to stay optimistic and to keep faith that tomorrow will be better. Sometimes it is, sometimes it’s worse. I’m never prepared for either outcome. I’m doing my best to pretend I’m fine.

Some days I wish I didn’t have to pretend to smile. I long for the day when it will come naturally, sincerely, and genuinely. When I say I’m fine this is what I mean… I’m sad. I’m having a hard time right now. I wish I could tell you. I’d like to think that you might even care. And maybe you do truly care. But I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to bother or burden anyone with my troubles.

My troubles are big and ugly. I can’t burden you with them. You are facing demons of your own. You don’t need to be exposed to mine. That would be so selfish of me. To think that your demons are not as important or debilitating as mine. So I just tell you I’m fine. I’m protecting you when I say I’m fine. Because I’m afraid my pain is just more toxicity. So I ignore them all. It’s too much for me to bear most days.

I want to be fine, honest I do. One day I would love to sincerely tell you how fine I am. That all my anxieties, worries, and fears are gone, or at least less overpowering. That I walk with a skip in my step and a song in my heart. I want to feel that. I may have felt this once before a long time ago, but I don’t remember it. Every day I’m doing my best to smile and make the day better. I’m thinking positively, I’m taking big deep breaths when I need to.

But for now, I'm doing my best. I know that everything in life is temporary. The good, the bad, even life, it's all temporary. If I can just get through today I'll be fine.

No matter what your hurdles are, you’ll be fine!